Letting go of a lover

Letting go a of a lover is especially difficult if you’re in the habit of basing your self-worth on whether of not you’re loved by someone else. Being dependent on someone for this sort of reassurance is very disempowering, because it leads directly to what the Buddhists call craving and aversion. We crave the pleasant sensations of being with our lover and having them give us affection, compliments and love, while at the same time doing everything we can to avoid having to experience the pain of separation, rejection or abandonment. 

This kind of attachment only leads to suffering. On the one hand we become fixated on ensuring that things remain the way we feel they need to be, which is very hard work! In fact it’s impossible – how can one person control a situation that involves so many external variables, including the will and desires of another person? We will only exhaust ourselves trying… On the other hand, clinging to another person is the best way to push someone out of your life, creating the classic pursuer-distancer dynamic that is guaranteed to bring an early end to your relationship.

So how do you let go of a lover? You settle back into your centre and remember that you are a divine being in a human body, eternal and wise and beautiful. You are one with all that is and despite how things may seem nothing can ever be separate from you. You remind yourself that this person is in your life for a reason, but that this reason may not be what you think it is in your romantic mindset. Then you bless your lover and yourself, letting go of any desired outcome you have for the relationship, in the knowledge that to truly learn from each other the two of you must be free.

Then you take a bath, go for a walk or treat yourself to some creative time, giving yourself the love and appreciation that you would otherwise seek from a lover. And you allow your lover to be exactly who they are, a soul on a journey, learning and growing as they go. You give thanks that this beautiful soul is in your life, or that they have been in your life, and if you can you make sure they know how grateful you are. But you express this gratitude not so that your lover will give you something in return, but simply because you are an overflowing expression of unconditional love and because in the giving of love you yourself are nourished.

Still feeling a bit muddled about all this? Then check out the great article How to get over someone over at Confustulation blog. Or if this is a repetitive pattern for you and you really need to dig a little deeper I can personally recommend the following books on the topic:

• The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Letting go of ideology

An ideology is a collection of beliefs about the world and how it works. Our ideologies often go unexamined because they were picked up when we were young, and now run like programs in the background of a computer, subconsciously guiding our decisions. When deconstructed the beliefs that make up out ideologies are often false.

For example I have the belief that it's 'bad' to put toxic chemicals on the earth or ourselves. But when I look closely at this belief I find that it’s actually not true. Sure, from the perspective of our human life it matters whether the soil and water is polluted, and it matters if we harm ourselves and the other creatures on our planet. But with a wider perspective on time and space we see that it doesn't matter at all. The universe is a kaleidoscope of different atoms connecting and then separating, creating all the various forms of matter around us. That shampoo running down into the soil will eventually split into its component parts at the molecular level, one joining a tree, the next becoming part of a complex soil colloid. It does not matter what I do in my short life, the process continues unimpeded.

Yet, although I know this, I’m still attached to the ideology of sustainability and its doctrines, so my thoughts and behaviour are inconsistent. To prove my loyalty to the ideology I still find myself participating in critical discussions about 'the things that are wrong with the world', even though I don't think there is anything ‘wrong’ with the world at all! On the other hand, I increasingly rebel against the constraints I've created for myself and act in ways that are out of alignment with the ideology. Then I feel like a hypocrite and am filled with guilt and self-recrimination.

And from here flows a positive torrent of judgemental thinking! Because I judge myself I project this out onto others and feel judged by them too! Seeing through the ideology I find myself judging others who adhere to it, yet also judge those who live free of the ideology because my mind is so thoroughly programmed by it. My judgement is also motivated by jealousy at the freedom others have chosen... I want this freedom for myself!

All this unnecessary anguish! Time to let it go...

This doesn’t mean I'll now fill my cupboards with toxic chemicals and start spraying the weeds in my garden. I'm a sensible human being. I can see this is not intelligent. But neither is spending valuable time worrying about it, or feeling guilty every time we eat meat or processed food, drive a car or buy a new kettle. So much energy wasted! Easier to let go and allow things to be as they are. Allow others to believe and live as they like. And most importantly, allow myself to live as I like. So that if I want to became an old lady with rainbow streaks in her hair I can :)

Letting go of youth

One of the little contradictions in my personality is that although I find the idea of using toxic chemicals on the earth or on my body irrational and self-destructive, I continue to dye my hair. I'm not ready to let go of the pretty brown hair of my youth. In the same way I mourn the desire to attend wild all night parties, even though I know I would no longer enjoy them.

Why is this so? It is because I've invested identity in these things; things that only last such a short time. My body is slowly becoming aged. My skin is no longer taut, my rhythms have become slower. My inner world develops differently, into greater clarity and consciousness, but my body decays.

How silly then to get so attached to the colour of my hair or how many admiring glances I get from those around me? Making these things important sets me up to struggle with myself. And this is a struggle I cannot win. Better to just let go and accept gracefully that impermanence is the nature of this life we are living.

It is helpful to realise that where ever you are attached you will feel a fixation. This is a very good indicator that we can look out for in our daily lives. You direct a lot of energy into thinking about and trying to procure that thing you want so much. Instead of doing something creative, all your energy is being used on something pointless. Meanwhile you feel more and more upset. How silly! 

When I hang onto my youth so desperately, I also fail to realise the wonderful gifts that growing old is bringing into my life...

You see I think when we're born it's like we're waking up from a sleep. We've transitioned from another state and so it takes a while to understand who and where we are, and how to use our faculties. So you stumble around awhile, in life, but after a while the horizon levels out and you can finally make out what is going on. We begin to become conscious.

But for me consciousness is like a radio station: it goes in and out of reception. When I am aware I see: “Ah yeah! This is how reality is. Completely simple and free!” And then I lose the station and all of a sudden I am worrying about money or whether the man who is beside me is the 'right one.' If I were conscious I would know the answer to those questions without any consideration.

As I've grown older I've found these periods of clarity becoming more frequent and of longer duration. I catch myself more quickly when I become attached to something. You know, those petty little attachments we pick up like ticks everyday, usually through interaction with other humans? I may carry these attachments around for a while but I'm getting better at noticing and letting go before they become too painful or burdensome.

That is the gift of maturity. It becomes easier and easier to let go!

Letting go of youth is something we all have to do eventually. Why not do it now?

Letting go of your list

I’ve been a great believer in lists for most of my life. They help organise the mind, prioritise tasks and prevent important things from being forgotten in the mad rush of modern life. But lately I’ve been asking myself if perhaps the keeping of lists can go a little too far. 

Over the years I’ve developed the habit of writing a new daily list as I sip my morning coffee; it joins my home list, shopping list and personal list in a special notebook kept for the purpose, and it’s a very rare day that I do not consult with it. My grandmother is even worse: sometimes when she completes a task that wasn’t on her list, she adds it just so that she can have the satisfaction of crossing it off!

What is this satisfaction we feel when we accomplish a task? Well apparently when we complete something we set out to our bodies release dopamine. Dopamine is the body’s reward system: it feels great and it’s very addictive!

To make this addiction all the more compelling, we’ve been taught from a very young age that society respects people who ‘get things done’, even when the things they do are not necessarily beneficial to that society. Our need for social and familial approval adds to the dopamine craving, making our behaviour fixated and largely an unconscious reaction to stimulus.

List keeping becomes toxic when it becomes either an anchor or a shackle:

• When you feel that your list is keeping you from losing control you are using it as an anchor. It is your safety net. You are holding onto that list for dear life because you're afraid that if you let go things may become messy and chaotic.

• On the other hand your list may have become a heavy burden. You dread looking at it, knowing there are too many things on there that you either do not wish to do, feel too exhausted to do or simply do not have the time for. Your list is a chain around your neck; you are no longer free.

If either of these scenarios rings true, it may be time to look closely at your relationships to lists. Ask yourself a few pertinent questions:

• Are the things on your list actually the things you’d like to spend your time (life) doing?
• What exactly will doing these things achieve? Is it worth the time and energy invested?
• Do you experience guilt or shame when you fail to complete the tasks on your list?
• Do you project these negative emotions on to your loved ones in the form of resentment, irritability, blaming or demands?
• Do you feel a sense of panic when you get to work and realise you’ve left your list on the kitchen table?
• Do you feel you could spend a whole weekend without writing or referring to a list?
• Are your lists recycled – are there things on there that you wanted to complete a year ago but haven’t been able to? Is it time to let go of them, or face-up and make them happen?
• Do you ever miss an opportunity to act spontaneously, perhaps enjoying a moment of synchronicity, because you are too fixated on your list?
• Do you consult you list just so you can cross something off, even if you already know what your next task must be?
• Do you sometimes feel frustrated by circumstances when they interfere with the completion of tasks, even when the turn of events is a happy one, such as the arrival of guests?

Of course there are many good reasons to complete tasks: to serve others, to move towards our goals or simply because they're a part of the necessities of life. And of course a list is a valuable tool that can help us complete these tasks efficiently. But just as you wouldn’t use an axe to cut off your fingers and toes, you don’t need to use your list as a safety blanket or a shackle.

Letting go of your list can be an intensely liberating experience. Strangely enough the world doesn’t fall apart around you. Things continue to get done, your loved ones go to bed sweet smelling and well fed. In fact you may find yourself acting more spontaneously, noticing opportunities and using your intuition to guide you. By staying present and acting as the situation calls you to, rather than trying to force time and space into the format of your list, you allow life to open up in new and beautiful ways.